April 2011
4 posts
Though a smile adorned his face, Terry was livid that he wasn’t given advanced warning about the Sneakers & Sweatpants Party. But they would pay. Oh yes, they would pay dearly.
You should never verbalize your assumptions. Like the time I assumed the food at the restaurant would be terrible or that Boyz II Men started out as a child prostitute courier service.
“Just going over your resume here and I’m wondering if you could explain why you have “Good Flosser” listed under Certifications?”
I have an idea for a dating-based reality tv show where we pitch it to the contestants as being called “Of Vice & Men” and when one of them gets alone with the camera and does their confessional and says “Look, all these people up in here might be hatin’ on me but I don’t care ‘cuz I’m just here to have a good time” a trap door will open...
March 2011
4 posts
Dragon’s Den is coming to town! I hope they like my idea for an adhesive that prevents rich white assholes from talking.
I certainly hope all this fuss in Libya doesn’t interfere with Gaddafi reprising his role as Dana Barrett in Ghostbusters 3.
“Excuse me ma’am, but do you have any books on baby sign language?”
“Yes we do, right over here. Oh I think teaching your baby to sign is just the cutest thing!”
“Yeah well actually I just wanted to to see if any of these books show you how to get your kid to fall down and play dead after you shoot them with your finger like that monkey does on ‘Every...
“Sir, for the last time, pointing at yourself and saying ‘Duh, Winning’ does not qualify you for a small business loan.”
February 2011
14 posts
Easter
Today, we eat chocolate eggs at Easter in remembrance of Jesus’ pet chicken, Foghorn Leperhorn.
However, in Biblical times, children would awake at Easter to find a steaming hot pile of scrambled eggs under their pillow. The last child in each household to finish eating their eggs was promptly stoned to death…Fun!
Nobel Peace Prize
Congratulations are in order to Pile of Cocaine for receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for its efforts in cancelling Two & A Half Men!
Time Talk! Vol. 4
“So I’m here today to discuss my idea for a new television show.”
“We’re listening.”
“How can I describe this show? Hmmm well let me just say this: This will be the show that your great great grandchildren will be talking about every morning around the water cooler.”
“Sounds -“
“Although by then it will be way in the future so...
Swan Taxis
Most scientists predict that Swan Taxis will be our primary method of transportation once the polar ice caps melt.
Michael Bay
With the release of the third Transformers film in July 2011, Michael Bay will have fullfilled his life-long dream of destroying your childhood memories.
Recreational Vehicles
Sir Alfred Farmerstan invented the first fleet of RV’s in 1248 AD. After a series of tragic collisions, he is also credited with inventing the castle.
Royal Weddings
Mark your calendars! April 29th will be the day siblings Kate Middleton and Prince Hairline become the New Popes of Europe.
The Canada Games
Competitive trading post mascot carving is just one of the exciting events being held at the Canada Games!
INXS
INXS [Pronounced “INKS”] is one of Australia’s top selling bands, second only to AC/DC [Pronounced “Ack-Dick”]
Lead Toys
Lead has recently been removed from most toys, depriving children of important phases in their growth such as “Nerve Disorder” and “Joint Pain”. Thanks, Obama.
Headsets
Headsets: Because when a twelve year old playing Call of Duty calls you a faggot, you demand to hear it clearly.
Snow
I overheard my kids wishing for snow.
Sure, anybody can go out and buy all of his albums but I did one better, I went down to the Dairy Queen and asked him to come to our house himself. That’s how much I love my kids.
Hobbies
Turd Collecting is the fastest growing American hobby.
Photo Courtesy of Turd of the Month Magazine copyright 2010.
Adolf Hitler
Adolf Hitler famously banned many activities in his bunker including smoking, laughing, skipping and not smoking.
January 2011
1 post
Doorbells
Doorbell mishaps made up two-thirds of all door-answering related deaths of the ancient world.
December 2010
4 posts
Ice Hockey
In the early days of ice hockey, the players’ girlfriends would keep their uniforms warm while they relaxed in between periods. Look how excited they are to be a part of the action!
The Amish
As is typical in most Amish families, babies unable to build a barn by 3 months are returned to the General Store from whence they came.
Drunk Tanks
Drunk Tanks rarely remember who they shot at the night before.
Heroin
Today, most pop stars have a dangerously low level of heroin in their bodies.
November 2010
4 posts
Squirt Guns
Nerf takes its Super Soaker product testing very seriously.
Time Talk! Vol. 3
“I swear to God, Randy, if this is another ‘how’s the weather up there?’ note I’m going to lose it.”
Hi-jacking
Without proper funding in place, many airplane captains cannot afford the special binoculars required to read important signage such as this.
Bombcakes
Contrary to popular belief, Bombcakes occur naturally in 1 of every 47,000 cakes made in the United States.
October 2010
12 posts
Knights
Here we see Earth’s first time-traveling knight, Sir Chafealot, seconds before slaughtering the entire 2095 U.S. Hoverboard Racing Team.
Hell
The scariest part of Hell? Four floors and no fire extinguishers.
Bagpipes
The first known bagpipe concert was performed during The Bravefarts’ 1554 “C’mon Feel The Haggis” world tour.
Christmas
In Mexico, the Christmas holidays don’t officially start until the much anticipated “Spitting of the Candy Canes” Ceremony.
Cheetos
The original artwork for Chester the Cheetah was deemed “insensitive” by several Meso-American groups.
Police Officers
Because they are constantly handling and beating drifters, police officers are 74% more likely to contract chicken pox than any other profession.
Farming
In January, after months of careful cultivation, Russian ice farmers are ready to take their harvest to market.
Grooming
Before the invention of tweezers, pistols were often used to help remove unsightly uni-brows.
Superman
For a brief period in the ’70s, Superman was the baddest motherfucker around.
Halloween
Halloween is a carefree time when children dress up, tell ghosts stories, carve jack-o-lanterns and vandalize households that thought handing out raisins was a good idea.
Chainmail
It’s harder than it looks.
Pollution
As this undated photo proves, prolonged exposure to pollution can trigger a severe case of “Brain Window”.
September 2010
8 posts
Tanning Salons
In ancient times, tanning salon-related deaths were 1 trillion times higher than they are today.
Joseph Goebbels
Former Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels surprised the world in 2001 by coming out of retirement to be Nickelback’s road manager.
The Who
Formed in 1999, the Who are considered the most influential TV show intro group of all time.
Skittles
Two Skittles security guards were recently fired after a female employee at the factory was asked if she’d like to taste the double rainbow.
Undercover Cops
Canada views undercover police work as unfair to suspected criminals.
Water Closets
In many European countries, only headless people are granted access to public toilets.
Paris
There is a certain section of Paris where the locals appear annoyed with tourists, it’s called “The City of Paris.”
