Though a smile adorned his face, Terry was livid that he wasn’t given advanced warning about the Sneakers & Sweatpants Party. But they would pay. Oh yes, they would pay dearly.

You should never verbalize your assumptions. Like the time I assumed the food at the restaurant would be terrible or that Boyz II Men started out as a child prostitute courier service.

“Just going over your resume here and I’m wondering if you could explain why you have “Good Flosser” listed under Certifications?”

I have an idea for a dating-based reality tv show where we pitch it to the contestants as being called “Of Vice & Men” and when one of them gets alone with the camera and does their confessional and says “Look, all these people up in here might be hatin’ on me but I don’t care ‘cuz I’m just here to have a good time” a trap door will open underneath them and dump them into a freezing river because the show is actually called “You’re Here to Have a Bad Time”.

Dragon’s Den is coming to town! I hope they like my idea for an adhesive that prevents rich white assholes from talking.

I certainly hope all this fuss in Libya doesn’t interfere with Gaddafi reprising his role as Dana Barrett in Ghostbusters 3.

“Excuse me ma’am, but do you have any books on baby sign language?”

“Yes we do, right over here. Oh I think teaching your baby to sign is just the cutest thing!”

“Yeah well actually I just wanted to to see if any of these books show you how to get your kid to fall down and play dead after you shoot them with your finger like that monkey does on ‘Every Which Way But Loose.’

“Sorry?”

“And then I’ll bare-knuckle fight my way out of debt and hopefully my boss will be in the audience in the championship fight and as I take the leader of the Black Widow motorcycle gang down with an uppercut the camera will slowly zoom onto my boss nodding his approval from the filthy, filthy bleachers and then we’ll embrace and he’ll let me come back to work at the ranch dressing ranch.”

“What camera? I don’t really understand what you’re saying to me…ummm….here are the books you asked for.”

“Christ! It’s not about the fucking books, don’t you get it?! This is my life we’re talking about here!”

“Please, just take the books, you can have them, just please leave…oh thank God…he’s gone.”

HOW TO GET FREE BOOKS EPISODE 1 OF 75

“Sir, for the last time, pointing at yourself and saying ‘Duh, Winning’ does not qualify you for a small business loan.”

Today, we eat chocolate eggs at Easter in remembrance of Jesus’ pet chicken, Foghorn Leperhorn.

However, in Biblical times, children would awake at Easter to find a steaming hot pile of scrambled eggs under their pillow. The last child in each household to finish eating their eggs was promptly stoned to death…Fun!

Congratulations are in order to Pile of Cocaine for receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for its efforts in cancelling Two & A Half Men!